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Cook Like a Man

Biscuits

We're taking a break from gravy today in order to discuss biscuits.  There are a couple of ways to acquire biscuits for your eating pleasure.  Buying them at the store is for pansies and weak minded people.  Getting them from a can is even worse; these are not biscuits, they are lies.  Do the right thing, make your own.  Men make biscuits and if they can't (Derk) then the need to learn right now.  Biscuits are the most Metal thing a man can do.  Prove your manhood and biscuit.

Despite what many people think, biscuits are quick and easy to make.  They require minimal effort and a batch can be done in less than a half hour.  It's quite possibly the easiest thing to make ever.

How to Biscuit

The Components

2 sticks of frozen butter

A bit of soft or melted butter

2 Cups of Flour

1/4 Tsp Baking Soda

1 Tbsp Baking Powder

1 Tsp Salt (I like Kosher)

1 Cup Buttermilk (or just milk)

A 450° Oven

Step 1 - The Dry

Take all your dry stuff and mix it together in a bowl with a fork.  This is like sifting only manlier.

Step 2 - The Fat

Cut up all your frozen butter into small chunks. Don't worry, frozen butter is easy to work with.

Put your butter into the Dry and with your hands, mix and squeeze.  What you want to do here is create a powder that resembles coarse cornmeal.  You can use a food processor, but it's manlier to use your mits.  The chunks of butter don't have to be too small, use your best judgement.

Step 3 - The Dough

This part is tricky because you might over-think it.  Don't.  Listen to the sound of my voice and I will guide you...

1.  Make a well in your dry.

2.  Pour in your buttermilk (or Milk).

3.  Use your hands to mix it together until the milk is absorbed.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO MAKE A SMOOTH, WELL INCORPORATED DOUGH

Just mix it until the milk is absorbed.

Step 4 - The Roll

On a floured work surface, dump out your dough mix.  It should still be crumbly and somewhat dry in parts.  In fact, there should be plenty of leftover dry chunks in the bottom of the bowl, pour those out on top of your dough mass.

Mash it together gently and form a big, flat square with your hands.  Fold that square over like you are folding a letter, bring each of the two sides in and mash them down again (gently).  Your dough will probably crumble apart when you do this, don't worry, it's normal.

Repeat this until the dough holds together and looks like actual dough.  Don't over do it and don't ever, ever, EVER knead it!  Get it to about 1 inch thick.

AGAIN, LISTEN TO ME - DON'T OVERWORK THE DOUGH OR YOUR BISCUITS WILL BE HARD AS A ROCK AND TASTE LIKE SISSY BISCUITS!!!  LESS IS MORE.  OVERWORKING THE DOUGH WILL MAKE YOUR BISCUITS LOOK LIKE THIS:

...ALL LIMP AND STUFF!

Roll out your dough and cut out your biscuits.  If you don't have a round cutter, just use a cup.

Step 4 - The pan

This is a pretty important step.  Place your biscuits on a greased pan or sil-pat.  Give each biscuit your thumb print - this prevents round-tops and makes your biscuits look awesome.

Next, brush on your soft or melted butter.  Don't be stingy, let that stuff coat the biscuit!

Step 5 -The Bake

10 minutes, then crank on the broiler to brown up the tops.  Be careful when broiling - it doesn't take long.

What do you do with biscuits?  Put your sweet, sweet sausage gravy on them.

NOW GO MAN-UP AND BISCUIT!

How to Gravy 

I've decided that it's time to share a few things about how I cook.  I'm awesome at manly cooking and I want to share a bit of my wisdom with the masses.  Because I care?  Heck no!  Because if I come to your house to eat, I don't want it to taste like crap.

Let's begin with gravy.

Gravy is the elixir of life.  It is the topping for everything delicious and it comes in many amazing forms.  In this series, I will explore 3 types of gravy, White, Brown, and Turkey.  When you are done, you too will be able to gravy like me!

Part 1

White

White gravy is the easiest gravy ever and is also know as the most awesome gravy of all gravies.  White gravy can be made from pork products and cover anything form Pork Chops or Chicken all the way to biscuits.  If you don't like white gravy, leave now...  de-friend me on Facebook and godspeed.  White gravy is amazing and here is how to make the most amazing white gravy ever.

What you need:

3 tbsp Fat - this can either be drippings, butter, or both.

3 tbsp Flour

1 tsp Corn Starch

1 cup Chicken Stock or drippings (strained)

1 to 2 cups Milk

Salt and Pepper

Step 1 - making the slurry.

Every gravy starts with a slurry.  The slurry is there to prevent lumping and promote overall smoothness.  The slurry is made from the fat, flour, and corn starch.

Example 1:  You have just cooked some delicious pork sausage and want to make some gravy for your awesome biscuits.  Use a slotted spoon and remove the sausage, leaving the fat.

Example 2:  You have just cooked up some fine chickens.  You have no chicken grease, so you grab 3 tablespoons of butter and melt them in a pan.

To make the slurry, your fat must be hot and melted.  If you are using example 1, your drippings are already hot and ready.  If you are using example 2, melt your butter.

Hastily sift 3 tablespoons of flour with a teaspoon or two of corn starch.  Drop the dry ingredients into the hot fats and use a wisk to stir until you have a fine paste.  THIS IS YOUR SLURRY.  Don't burn it.  Move quickly to step two.

Step 2 - Wets.

Add a cup of chicken stock or drippings to the slurry and wisk,  Then add any a cup or two of milk.  Bring it to a boil.  It will now thicken.  Once it comes to a boil, remove from heat.

Step 3 - Season

Salt and pepper to taste.  Lots of pepper if you are awesome like me.  And HEY!  don't forget to put all that sweet, sweet sausage back into your gravy for added amazing.

Step 4 - Gravy

You have now successfully gravied.  Pat yourself on the back.  Your gravy is now smooth, rich and creamy. Put it on your potatoes, biscuits, or over your pork chops.  

Stay tuned for the next installment where we will cover beef gravy.