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Cook Like a Man

Biscuits

We're taking a break from gravy today in order to discuss biscuits.  There are a couple of ways to acquire biscuits for your eating pleasure.  Buying them at the store is for pansies and weak minded people.  Getting them from a can is even worse; these are not biscuits, they are lies.  Do the right thing, make your own.  Men make biscuits and if they can't (Derk) then the need to learn right now.  Biscuits are the most Metal thing a man can do.  Prove your manhood and biscuit.

Despite what many people think, biscuits are quick and easy to make.  They require minimal effort and a batch can be done in less than a half hour.  It's quite possibly the easiest thing to make ever.

How to Biscuit

The Components

2 sticks of frozen butter

A bit of soft or melted butter

2 Cups of Flour

1/4 Tsp Baking Soda

1 Tbsp Baking Powder

1 Tsp Salt (I like Kosher)

1 Cup Buttermilk (or just milk)

A 450° Oven

Step 1 - The Dry

Take all your dry stuff and mix it together in a bowl with a fork.  This is like sifting only manlier.

Step 2 - The Fat

Cut up all your frozen butter into small chunks. Don't worry, frozen butter is easy to work with.

Put your butter into the Dry and with your hands, mix and squeeze.  What you want to do here is create a powder that resembles coarse cornmeal.  You can use a food processor, but it's manlier to use your mits.  The chunks of butter don't have to be too small, use your best judgement.

Step 3 - The Dough

This part is tricky because you might over-think it.  Don't.  Listen to the sound of my voice and I will guide you...

1.  Make a well in your dry.

2.  Pour in your buttermilk (or Milk).

3.  Use your hands to mix it together until the milk is absorbed.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO MAKE A SMOOTH, WELL INCORPORATED DOUGH

Just mix it until the milk is absorbed.

Step 4 - The Roll

On a floured work surface, dump out your dough mix.  It should still be crumbly and somewhat dry in parts.  In fact, there should be plenty of leftover dry chunks in the bottom of the bowl, pour those out on top of your dough mass.

Mash it together gently and form a big, flat square with your hands.  Fold that square over like you are folding a letter, bring each of the two sides in and mash them down again (gently).  Your dough will probably crumble apart when you do this, don't worry, it's normal.

Repeat this until the dough holds together and looks like actual dough.  Don't over do it and don't ever, ever, EVER knead it!  Get it to about 1 inch thick.

AGAIN, LISTEN TO ME - DON'T OVERWORK THE DOUGH OR YOUR BISCUITS WILL BE HARD AS A ROCK AND TASTE LIKE SISSY BISCUITS!!!  LESS IS MORE.  OVERWORKING THE DOUGH WILL MAKE YOUR BISCUITS LOOK LIKE THIS:

...ALL LIMP AND STUFF!

Roll out your dough and cut out your biscuits.  If you don't have a round cutter, just use a cup.

Step 4 - The pan

This is a pretty important step.  Place your biscuits on a greased pan or sil-pat.  Give each biscuit your thumb print - this prevents round-tops and makes your biscuits look awesome.

Next, brush on your soft or melted butter.  Don't be stingy, let that stuff coat the biscuit!

Step 5 -The Bake

10 minutes, then crank on the broiler to brown up the tops.  Be careful when broiling - it doesn't take long.

What do you do with biscuits?  Put your sweet, sweet sausage gravy on them.

NOW GO MAN-UP AND BISCUIT!