Spencer's Super-Happy Fun-Time Right-Wing Word Pit

When I got to work on Monday, I was pleased to see that my episodes of Lost and 24 were ready for me to take home.  We missed our shows due to tornado and lack of television or internet.  I had them now and when I came home, we went ahead and watched our episodes of Lost.  For those of you who do watch, I know why Ben's dad is so bitter.  It has a lot to do with a high school football game.  If the coach had put him in, he would have won the game.  Looks like Uncle Rico finally found that time machine and overshot the landing.  But I digress.

We finished catching up with Lost and Roxy went to bed.  It was time answer those burning questions about 24.  Will Jack save America?  Will Jack die?  Will he charge children fifty cents to ride him next time he has a siezure?  The show was great and I was becoming more and more satisfied as the time rolled on.  

The light from the television was a constant glow, not like the flicker of an older CRT television.  The colors and images paralyzed me in a mindless trance as I watched my story unfold.  Out of the corner of my eye, a dark shape moved quickly along the baseboards.  Too big to be a bug, I looked in the direction of the distraction.  Nothing.  My attention turned again to the television.  I saw it again, only this time the shape came into perfect view as I tracked its movements across the living room floor.  A mouse.  He ran to the nearest wall, his brown, fluffy hindquarters shimmying back and forth like some kind of furry penguin.  And as quickly as it appeared, it was gone.

I didn't tell Roxann about the mouse until the next day.  She was upset that there was a mouse in the house.  I asked her to pick up some traps next time she was out.  Needless to say, she was a little freaked out.  This is where men and women are different.  Men see rodents as nothing more than small animals, making their way through this life, looking for food and shelter.  Harmless herbivores just trying to keep the rain off their backs and food in their bellies.  Women on the other hand see a ferocious, ravinous beast bent on eating their children's faces off.

Later tuesday evening, I was settled into bed for some peace and quiet.  The evening was substantially calm.  The rains had given way if only temporarily to the peaceful night clouds.  Roxy was in the front room watching television when she saw it.

"SPENCER!!"  she shouted.  I jumped up and made my way to the living room.

"You okay?"

"I saw the mouse!  It ran that way.", she pointed, "Go catch it and get rid of it."

"What?" I wasn't sure I heard her right.  It sounded like she had asked me to go catch a mouse.

"Go get it and get it out of here."  Her statement was matter of fact.  I could tell that she was making this statement with the sobriety of a preacher.

"You want me to go catch a mouse..."

"Yes"

"No problem." I said sarcastically, "When I'm done with that, I'll get working on my PhD.  Expect me to be done with my degree credits by 11."  I walked over in the direction of the sighting.  I moved furniture and scanned under and around objects.  After about 2 minutes of "searching", I went back to Roxann.  I told her that I couldn't find it.  Everything will be OK.  Just buy some traps tomorrow and no problem.

Bedtime came and we prepared for sleep.  Roxann was worried about our new houseguest.  I did my best to calm her by letting her know that it was just a mouse.  "like a little cat, only you can't really pet it."

"Well," she said "I think it's living in the pantry."

"Oh really."

"Yes, there is some little shredded bits of paper in there - come look at it."

I got up and followed her to the pantry, in my underwear.  I slowly opened the pantry door and reached up to pull the string for the light.  It came on, but flickered out.  I pulled the string a couple more times and the light came on.  Instinctively, my eyes came to rest on the shelf that was about chest high.  There he was, his black, empty eyes studying me, his small brown frame seemed to shake with fear.  As he looked at me, I could see the calculations in his tiny brain, searching for a way to escape.  He ran to my right and hid behind the paper plates and cups.  Working quickly, I grabbed 3 red plastic cups and tried to flush him out.  Roxy was gone, her screams trailing off down the hall.  "Catch it!" she yelled from safe distance of "down the hall and in the other room".  Slowly, I lifted the plastic bag of paper plates.  That did it.  The mouse ran across the shelf to the other side and behind the loaves of bread.  My mind was made up.  I needed to catch this mouse.  Plastic cup in one hand, I removed each sack of bread and discarded it until the last loaf was removed.  He darted back out at me and back toward the plates.  I moved.  He stoped and doubled back.  I moved again and he repeated the same motion.  He was scared and he had no place to run.  He knew he was had.  A few more quick looks around and he spotted his salvation, an open box of cereal bars.  He went in.

I had him.  I reached over and closed the lid on the box and lifted it from the shelf.  Holding the lid closed, I quickly examined the box for holes.  None.  I gave the container a quick shake to confirm my captive.  As I did, I could hear and feel him moving around inside.

"I GOT HIM!" I yelled to Roxann.

"Good," she yelled back "get it out of here!"

"I need you to come open the door."

Roxann entered the room and stopped.  "Point that box away from me."  I did so and she opened the back door.  The warm, moist air swept in and I stepped outside to release my hostage.  I began to look for a place right there to let him go.

"What are you doing?!  Over there!" Roxann pointed in the general direction of nothing, but away from the house.  
"I am going to need my shoes." I told her.  She retrieved them and I slipped them on my naked feet.

And so I began my journey - in my underwear and shoes to the other side of the property.  I let my little captive go under the soft light of the barn.  He scampered out to the field.  And I walked, half naked back to the house for bed.

I didn't finish my PhD.