Spencer's Super-Happy Fun-Time Right-Wing Word Pit

Dear everyone who made today so much fun,

I am writng this letter to all of you to let you know just how awesome you all are, especially today.

To the over-zealous TSA agent in the Orlando Airport,

I apreciate that you have a hard job to do, I really do. Being paid as little as you do to act like a sheep dog can be real trying. I know that you and I came to words today, but you have to admit-your sign attempting to separate passengers at security is poorly placed on a 3.5 foot tall pole at the front of the line. No one can see it until they get to the front of the line. So asking me to go to the end of another line because I didn't have a stroller was just wrong. Besides, I didn't see you pulling all of the old people, children, and ditsy college girls from the "expert traveller" lane... I know you must hate me for refusing to move, but I'm sure that tonight, as you sit in your apartment, at the edge of your bed with a tumbler of bourbon in one hand and a loaded revolver in the other wondering why you are so very alone, you will realize that taking your job that seriously just isn't worth it.

To Brandon O. - my flight attendant on the plane home,

That's right, I know your name. I made it a point to look at your nametag as you issued me a cliché'd 'buh-bye' while I exited the plane. I wanted you to know that it was you that made 1 and a half hours of my life a living hell. Now I know that all the guys at the bar tell you that you're funny; but you're not. They just think that you are cute and are hoping to get another date with you. We have all heard the joke about smoking outside on the wing and watching "Gone with the Wind" a few times before. It's old and tired, just like your "I'm not gay" act. Did you really think that rattling off a 5 minute list of appliances at the beginning AND the end of the flight was comedy gold? It's one thing to tell a few jokes, but going on and on and on through the whole flight made me wish I could pull the exit door handle and be sucked out to the heavens and into the sweet, relieving arms of death. Do us all a favor and stick to the script, m'kay? Oh, and tell that other attendant with the horrible voice that parodies of "Rudolph" with a kitchy Southwest Airlines theme are better left at the bottom of the advertising bucket.

To the group of people who decided that it was ok to squeeze onto the already full parking shuttle, filling it full.

Were you serious? I guess you were, but there was another shuttle only a few feet behind us. Our driver called in 9 tickets while the bus behind us called in a mere 3, I know because I heard the radio call. Couldn't you have just waited for a few minutes? I guess not. Cramming 12 people into 11 seats is just alright with you. I am sure that you noticed all the best parts of our 10 whole minutes together-including:
1. Loose, potentially life ending baggage rolling in the aisle because the rack
was too full already.
2. The sweating.
3. The smells.
4. Having to wait for baggage to be cleared from the aisles before we could
un-stick ourselves from each other.
5. Having so many tickets called in at once that we had to wait extra time to
get our cars.

Thanks. No, I mean it, thanks. You made my attempt to get home awesome. Jerks.

One more...

To Reyes, my Mexican travel partner,

Please don't turn up the radio when Feliz Navidad starts playing. I strongly dislike it.

So to all of you awesome people... Thanks. You made today just peaches!

Your friend,

Spencer

-- Post From My iPhone