Spencer's Super-Happy Fun-Time Right-Wing Word Pit

(Edit:  In the interest of not using the 'H' word I have changed ever instance of it to 'strongly dislike' - Roxy said I shouldn't use it so much)

It's starting to become that magical time of year again.  The Thanksgiving turkey will be replaced by Christmas trees and lights and we will turn on the radio to hear our favorite Christmas tunes that incidentally have been on loop since St. Valentine's day.  So in the spirit of holiday cheer I present to you a list of the 5 Christmas songs that I strongly dislike and why I strongly dislike them.  Enjoy.

Little Drummer Boy

Here is the sweet song about a little boy who decided to horde his cash and just play his drum for baby Jesus instead of getting him a present.  Make no mistake, that is not the problem...  although if that is what the kid got for me on my birthday, I'd be ticked.  I strongly dislike this song because everyone does it like it is the best Christmas song ever.  It got made famous by some disco outfit called "BonyM" in the 70’s.  Really?  Look, this is the worst song ever, musically AND lyrically yet there are 1,245,345,332 versions recorded to date (not really).  It's almost as if a musician thinks that this song will legitimize their career as a serious musician.  Heck, even Wyclef Jean recorded it.  You all know how awesome he is, right?  

Open letter to the music industry...  

Dear Music Industry,

Stop recording "Little Drummer Boy".  It sucks and it does not make your musician legitimate.  Plus, everyone has already done it.

Cease and desist.  

Signed,

Spencer Olsen

Feliz Navidad

The Macarena of Christmas Songs has a total of 4 lines in it.  Here are the lyrics:

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad

prospero ano y felicidad

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad

prospero ano y felicidad

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas

From the Bottom of my heart

[repeats]

Repeats?!?!??!?!?!!!!!one!11!!1!!!!!!eleventy!!1!!!!

Every time I hear this song, I want to stab knitting needles in my ears.  If I wanted to hear this crap, I would just walk out to the production area of the shop where it's all mexican polka, all day!  The worst part of this song is that there is a dead spot between repeats.  So just when you think it's over...  think again, sucker!  The only reason that this song still gets airplay is because its diverse.

Happy Xmas (war is over)

Or as most of you know it, that "so this is Christmas" song by John Lennon and Yoko Ono.  Ah Lennon!  You know, most of Hollywood "causers" owe their success to the Beatles.  These clowns picked up every cause they could get their hands on.  And somewhere in the process, every person in the world thought that the Beatles were the smartest people on the earth.  That's right...  nothing says intelligent contribution to the world like a bunch of high, uneducated musicians from the slums of England.  Good job, Hollywood.  So anyway, the most cause-ous of them all, John Lennon got together with awful vocalist/wife Yoko Ono and her band to record a song that strongly dislikes you for having a good time at Christmas while people are starving.  Great.  I'm all cheery now.  Christmas, the holiday of giving, is just not giving enough according to the Lennon/Oko machine.  And if you say: "well, that's ok.  We could all use a reminder that there are people all over the world worse off than us."  That's fine, but can you explain to me why I have to put up with Yoko Ono's voice?!?  It like rubbing sandpaper across tightly stretched Saran Wrap.

Do They Know It's Christmas

Take my reasons for Happy Xmas (war is over) and replace John Lennin and Yoko Ono with Band Aid.  Look, I'm glad that you care about Africa.  Who doesn't?  But half of them are Muslim or believe in angry reptile gods and don't do Christmas anyway, so who cares if it doesn't snow in Africa.  Christmas is not about snow anyway.  I am really tired of a bunch of Musicians telling me that I am not allowed to enjoy the blessings of liberty and faith on Christmas because someone somewhere is starving.  You're not helping.  Awareness through your "craft" is not something you can do to help.  You can help by spending the millions of dollars you spent on recording and distributing the song on the people you want to sing about.  Holy crap, I'll bet that $10 will buy a poor starving kid in Africa a Maserati and a mansion.  So if you want to do something about it, shut up and give your own money first.  Then, I am sure that all the kids who read "People" will hear about it that way.  There's your awareness, jerks.  In the mean time, I'll keep giving to my charities and dropping my change in the red buckets.   I don't need to do it with a guilt trip, thank you very much.

Last Christmas

Wham sucks.  Who better to have a Christmas song than a couple of guys who sound like chicks crying over how fat and lonely they are.  I strongly dislike this song because it is not a Christmas song.  It just has the word "Christmas" in it!  It's a song about losing love.  NOT CHRISTMAS!!!  I can do this with any song by some crappy band.  Watch me...

Take "Quit Playin Games with my Heart" by the Backstreet Boys and let's look at the chorus:

Quit playin' games with my heart (with my heart)

Before you tear us apart (my heart)
Quit playin' games with my heart
I should've known from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearin' us apart (my heart, my heart)
Quit playin' games with my heart

Ok...  Now let's make it a Christmas Song

Quit playin' games with my heart (on Christmas)

Before you tear us apart (on Christmas)
Quit playin' games with my heart
I should've known from the start
You know you've gotta stop (on Christmas)
You're tearin' us apart (on Christmas,on Christmas)

Quit playin' games with my heart

See how I did that?  I'm a genius.  Now I just sit back and wait for the cash from Payola to roll in.  Look, just because a song has the word Christmas in it, doesn't mean it's a Christmas song.  Does every song with the word 'die' or 'death' automatically become a Halloween classic?  No.  So shut up, George Michael.  Oh and you know what makes that song extra creepy...  It's probably about a guy breaking up with a guy and teenage girls allover the world are still fooled into thinking its about something else.

There you have it.  Now go enjoy your turkey.