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I don't really care if you agree or not. Just saying what I think.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Spencer Olsen - Bird Slayer

Posted by L S. "Spencer" Olsen at 8:22 AM

Since moving out to the sticks, there have been a couple of things that Roxy, the kids, and I are getting used to. The drive is longer, the house is quieter, and rush hour traffic consists of more than one car passing the house in a 2-hour period. As I still have a job, my commute is long. The most direct route is for me to drive about 8 miles south to the highway only to drive another 30 or so miles north on the highway to get to the office. That distance, combined with keeping up with 80-mile-per-hour traffic causes my gas tank to bleed to death. What I have discovered is that the drive through the lush, tree covered hills not only cuts 10 to 12 miles off my drive, it also allows me to save gas and arrive a little earlier to work. My drive is beautiful and at times, relaxing. Twice a day, I skillfully navigate the hills - twisting and turning through the narrow back roads at whatever speed I wish. It can be scary and exhilarating; so lately, I have pulled the throttle back to a round 55 MPH average cresting the posted speed limit by 10 MPH at best.


The hills themselves are chock full of beasts of all kinds. And as I struggle to get to work every morning, I find myself in near-miss situations will just about anything that breathes. Aside from your standard near misses with dogs, cats, turtles, and possums - I have added Turkey, Raccoon, Chipmunk, and Cow to my list. Yes, cow. And now, I have had occasion to end the lives of a few birds.
My biggest question is this: If birds can fly high in the sky, then what the heck are they doing grill-level to my car? Last week a small bird, whose life was just too much, flew under my tire. I was a little shocked. I have been driving half as long as I have lived and I have never hit a bird. Birds are like nature's little running backs. They have the reflexes of the six-million dollar man and can usually slink and juke their way out of being struck by anything. But not this little guy, I can only guess that he was just too tired of life to go on any more and threw his tiny little body against the horror of my tire.

I wish that this was the end of the story. I do. But alas, today I have learned that my car is the perfect murder machine. I turned on to Bradyville Pike and headed down the highway at my less than legal, but safe speed of 55 mph. As I cruised I saw a dove standing in the road. I paid no attention, because of course, birds usually fly out of the way when a car is coming. As I got closer, I remember thinking to myself that the bird should move. The car was really coming close and at the last minute, I saw her turn and get into position to fly away. Looking to the right out the passenger window, I waited to see the bird fly away. It did not. My attention turned to the rear-view mirror. A plume of feathers. I thought to myself how odd it was to hit 2 in one week. About 6 miles later, I clipped a large blackbird as it tried to escape what became his last meal. Then later, I dodged a dog and a turkey.

So that's it. Today, I am going to go buy a leather suit and a helmet and kick-it Mad Max style. This is my warning to all critters in middle Tennessee... Watch out. I am coming. I will spare none.

 

2 Comments:

  1. Anonymous said...
    June 4, 2009 at 10:59 AM  
    remember that episode of Seinfeld with George and the squirrel? "We have a deal!"
    Bo said...
    June 11, 2009 at 5:44 AM  
    I shouldn't laugh so much.

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